I really hate this idea in activist communities that everyone is under an obligation to be nice to others. It seems that, if a so-called ‘ally’ fucks up, you can’t call them out on it. Or if you do call them out on it, you have to couch it in pretty words and apologies.
Privileged people (cis people, men, white people, currently-able people, neurotypical people, etc) who want to be allies need to learn to back the fuck off and take a back seat occasionally. They need to learn that, though the rest of the world treats them as default, in these spaces their voices are not and should not be the most important voices, and that they should let marginalised people speak for themselves about their experiences.
The thing is, many marginalised people have been through too much to expend energy being nice to people with their foot on our necks. Sometimes they shout, they swear, they come across as nasty – because they deal with this shit day in, day out, with no reprieve. Cut them a little slack and let them be righteously angry.
Not everyone in a marginalised community is going to be nice, and those who want to be allies can’t expect us all to roll over and be nice. Sometimes a cis person (or man, or abled person)’s bullshit is the straw that broke the camel’s back and a good ally, upon being reprimanded abrasively, will realise that and pull up their grown-up panties and move on.
I think you’re right. “you have ruined the tone” and “you are just getting emotional” and “I’m TRYING to be your ally! I’m your FWEND!” are classic derailers when someone gets called out.
My major loss of privilege right now is that I am foreign in a country hostile to foreigners. When natives, say something awful, I call them out with extreme prejudice. I don’t think I have to be “nice” however I think “graciousness” is necessary. I don’t care if they like me afterwards but I am not going to give them the moral high ground. I refuse to let them have access to the derailers.
I’ve noticed with activism online when a divisive issue crops up, there are people who copy and paste dialogues with people who were not gracious that one time as a way of saying “see, these xyz are no good!” and then we get more splinters of the splinter groups.
I don’t know, though. I feel like divisiveness is normal above a certain size of a group (especially considering how many jerks there are in the world), but it’s what will mean that the privileged groups will get to cling on to privilege. They don’t need to fight about how to hold on to their privilege, so they’re always going to be at an advantage.