I am a firm believer in the personhood of children and that children are an oppressed group. It pains me to see so much child hate within feminism; not from all feminists of course, but there certainly is a lot of mother-blaming and child hate in some pockets of feminism. Many others have spoken eloquently and thoughtfully about this before me, so I’m not going to reiterate what they’ve said. Long story short, I believe that children’s rights are important, and that feminists in being progressive and advocating for marginalised groups of all kinds, should be invested in working for the rights of all oppressed groups – including children.
Reading a post by Elena Perez at California NOW made me think about privilege checklists (like the Male Privilege Checklist and the White Privilege Checklist, for example) and I came to the realisation that, as yet, nobody had written an adult privilege checklist. So with some help from my good friend Jenny, using some of Elena Perez’s ideas from the aforementioned post, I set about writing the Adult Privilege Checklist.
This one is a bit different from previous privilege checklists in that instead of being written from the perspective of the privileged class (the male person, the white person) it is written in the voice of the oppressed class (the child). We came to this decision because written from the adult’s perspective, intersectionality became a problem. Things like “Light switches, windows, sinks and toilets are positioned for me to be able to reach easily” are null and void when thinking about, say, an adult wheelchair user. So we changed it to “Light switches, windows, sinks and toilets are not usually positioned for someone my size to be able to reach easily.” It is our hope that, written from the child’s perspective, the list shows the ways in which children are disadvantaged compared to the majority of adults, as written from the perspective of the adult, some of these would not apply.
It is something of a work in progress, and I’m really hoping that people will chip in with their own ideas, and that this will spark more conversation about children’s oppression and respect for the personhood of children.
So without further ado:
The Adult Privilege Checklist
As a child:
- I am not legally allowed to vote, even though government makes decisions about me and people like me.
- If I need a caregiver, he or she will not be my peer.
- It is often considered acceptable, appropriate and even desirable for my caregiver to physically assault me if I do not please them.
- In many places I can legally be physically disciplined in my place of education.
- If I am hit, even once, by a loved one, that is not normally legally considered abuse.
- It is likely that I am smaller than the person assaulting me, and that I will be unable to defend myself.
- If I am behaving in a way others do not like (or my caregiver has decided they no longer wish to be in a certain place), it is considered acceptable to physically pick me up and forcibly remove me from the area/situation.
- If I am routinely yelled at, criticized, and belittled in my own home, this might not generally be recognised as abusive behaviour.
- My physical and emotional needs are often not treated as reasonable and important.
- If I am angry or upset, this is often not taken seriously and I am often condescended and patronised.
- I am almost always dependent on others for my economic support.
- I do not get to make choices about family finances, when to spend money and on what.
- If I am allowed to earn money at all, it will be at a lower rate than adults doing exactly the same work.
- I am routinely ignored or told to be quiet.
- If I am the only child in a group of people, I will often be shut out of the conversation or patronised.
- It is considered acceptable to talk over me or to interrupt me while I am speaking.
- When I display age-appropriate behaviour, other people find it unacceptable.
- I cannot be ‘noisier/more active than average’ in a public place without people questioning my right to be in that place.
- If I am ‘noisier/more active than average’ in a public place I risk myself and my caregiver being thrown out.
- I cannot speak in public to a group of people without putting people my age on trial.
- I do not have free choice with my language. If I use ‘unacceptable’ words I will often be punished.
- If I am suffering from mental health problems, I am often dismissed and have them put down to my age.
- Adults often feel they have the right to harass me.
- Adults feel it is their right to talk to me even after I make it clear I do not wish to talk to them.
- Adults feel it is their right to touch me (tousle my hair, pinch my cheek) without my permission.
- Society and the media often portray people like me in a negative light.
- The media often describes people like me as lazy, ignorant or criminal.
- People often make decisions on my behalf and tell me that they know better than I do what is best for me.
- The world is not generally sized to fit me:
- I am not usually able to find a seat which is made for somebody my size.
- Light switches, windows, sinks and toilets are not usually positioned for someone my size to be able to reach easily.
- I cannot be certain that I will be able to lock the door to my bathroom stall or reach the toilet paper once I’m sitting down.
- It is very possible that I might find myself trapped somewhere that I cannot leave without assistance.
- Silverware, plates, and glasses will usually not be sized to fit my hands.
- When eating out, or at a film, the wait time will probably not feel reasonable to me, and if I eat as I would at home I might attract stares and rude comments.
- If my wait time for food or entertainment feels unreasonable, and I complain, people will generally not be understanding and apologetic.
- I can’t talk with my mouth full without people putting this down to my age.
- I might not understand the unspoken rules of interacting in public spaces, they might not feel natural to me, and might not be able to follow them without causing myself distress.
- I may not be able to speak my native language with fluency and am often not understood by other native speakers.
- It is considered acceptable for another speaker of my native language to laugh at me for my language choices, or inability to express myself.
- I am not usually given a choice about my place of education (or whether to participate in education). If I am sent to school I am legally expected to attend, whether it is my choice or not. If I am home educated I might not be given the choice to go to school if I so wish.
- If I am late to my place of education I will probably be reprimanded, even if this is the fault of my adult caregiver.
- I am almost never permitted to choose my educational curriculum, materials, or pace.
- My educational evaluations will often be based on circumstances entirely outside my control–the actions of other students, or of my caregivers, or the learning materials available to me.
- If I am feeling ill, I might not be able to adequately express this to my caregiver. If I can, I might not be taken seriously or treated properly.
- If I need to see a health professional, I am reliant upon my caregiver to arrange this for me.
- Medical professionals often ignore me entirely, choosing instead to speak to my caregiver only about my needs.
- I am not able to make my own medical decisions. The right to make these decisions belongs to other people entirely (usually my adult caregivers).
- In some places, if I require an abortion, my adult caregivers must be notified, which can sometimes place me in great danger.
- I might not be able to attend to my bodily needs (housing, food, water, toileting, health needs, taking myself to bed) without relying on someone else to assist me.
- I am often forced to eat foods I do not like.
- People might advocate force-feeding me, and this is not often seen as abusive.
- My bedtime is set (often arbitrarily) by my caregiver, and I often do not have input on this.
- I have no choice about my living space – the house I live in, its decoration, the arrangement of furniture etc.
- I often have no choice about my outward appearance – haircuts, clothing etc.
- I am usually not given a choice about which religion to follow.
- If I wish to spend time with other people, I need the permission and sometimes the assistance of my caregiver to arrange this.
- If I do not wish to spend time with a certain person or people, I am not usually given the choice to avoid them.
- My sexual development is often not explained to me and sometimes actively discouraged.
- If my sexuality/gender identity is not cis and straight, I can expect to be told it’s “wrong,” and efforts will be made to change it. Use of force is considered acceptable in this situation.
- It is considered unacceptable for me to enjoy my sexuality.
- My belongings can be taken from me (often by my adult caregiver) and this is not viewed as theft.
- If I am in public unescorted by an adult, random adults may demand to escort me, and restrict my movements; this is considered acceptable, regardless of my own opinions or those of my legal caregiver.
- I am limited in what films I may see alone, regardless of my opinions or those of my caregiver.
- It is considered acceptable or even “prudent” for me to be discriminated against and regarded with suspicion when patronising a store or other establishment.
- It is often considered acceptable to force me to submit my belongings to a search before/after/during my visit to a store or other establishment.
If you found this privilege checklist interesting, you might be interested in the following (and if you know of other privilege checklists that should be included here, do let me know!):
- White Privilege Checklist
- Male Privilege Checklist
- Able Bodied Privilege Checklist
- Average-Sized Privilege Checklist
- Cis Privilege Checklist
- Heterosexual Privilege Checklist
- Neurotypical Privilege Checklist
[...] the whole thing here, because I’d like to keep it in one place. But click here – Adult Privilege Checklist – and take a look! It’s in something of a rough draft format/work-in-progress right [...]
By: Adult Privilege Checklist « Mothers For Women’s Lib on Monday 16th November 2009
at 2:03pm
[...] is why this Adult Privilege Checklist is hitting me so hard right [...]
By: mind. blown. « Love | Peace | Ohana on Tuesday 17th November 2009
at 1:56am
I think this checklist is fantastically spot on, well done! Something on this line should be mailed to every parent, as most of it covers bad parenting imo.
I do however find it sad that child can be substituted for woman in many of the points and still be just as applicable.
I have a couple of niggles and hope to come back and have another read and comment again at a more sensible time!
Just quickly though, for number 2 – does a sibling not count as a peer? I say this as the eldest of six children and routinely cared for my siblings, and would have thought they counted as peers.
And for 20a – is there a way to make a child eat food they hate? I can’t even imagine one, except for the force feeding which you cover in another point which seems equally as odd.
And, it struck me that the condition of unconditional love could be threaded in somewhere, not sure where or how though, as it has always struck me that children however badly abused, still have this connection with their parents. Maybe I am wrong, I don’t know and it’s late.
Thanks for doing this list though as it is definately food for thought and I think I’ll share it with my boys and see what they have to say about it.
By: earwicga on Thursday 19th November 2009
at 1:00am
>>>Just quickly though, for number 2 – does a sibling not count as a peer? I say this as the eldest of six children and routinely cared for my siblings, and would have thought they counted as peers.<<<
In many cases, I would say no because the sibling has a conflict of interest if they are placed in charge of other siblings. They can rat on their sibs and the sibs *not in charge* may (or did in my case) often get no hearing. The power structure is still very wonky.
Also, since some sibs have different abilities and handicaps, they aren't what I can clearly call peer advocates. Instead, it is frequently the case that sib in charge are getting lots of experience in advance of their years in how to oppress the weak or less able or less affluent, etc.
~Katherine
By: ~Katherine on Saturday 10th July 2010
at 9:44pm
Wow! Great list. What struck me while reading it is that some of the items on it also exacerbate others. For example, not being able to reach a light switch and not being able to communicate that you want the light turned on, can result in you being told to be quiet.
By: Annie @ PhD in Parenting on Sunday 22nd November 2009
at 1:29pm
[...] Shut Up, Sit Down: The adult privilege checklist [...]
By: IComLeavWe: Day 2 | PhD in Parenting on Sunday 22nd November 2009
at 9:12pm
Much of this resonates. However, a few bits don’t, insofar as some parts seem a bit self-contradictory (14 c and d), or don’t take account of the need to protect children from some circumstances (such as locking themselves in somewhere when egress is needful), or don’t take account of the realities of the world, which include not allowing children to oppress other people by acting wholly and utterly selfishly at all times. Children are dependents to some degree, especially in infancy, and they aren’t the centre of everybody else’s world: they’re physically weaker than grownups, their synapses are in huge states of flux through their early 20s when they’re truly young adults; they have tremendous needs for high-quality calories, fats, and proteins when they’re in their infancy; and that’s just the way things are. It doesn’t justify ignoring them and abusing them and treating them like chattels, but it isn’t reasonable to expect every other human being to forego the pleasure of a rare evening in a nice restaurant because the exhausted child who wants to be in bed is being kept up late by its caregiver and is expressing her/himself loudly to this effect, in an age-appropriate manner
.
By: Vinaigrette Girl on Monday 23rd November 2009
at 11:40am
Vinaigrette Girl: This is not a “list of things we should definitely change”. It is a list of privileges adults have over children, whether they’re “for the good of the child” or not.
but it isn’t reasonable to expect every other human being to forego the pleasure of a rare evening in a nice restaurant because the exhausted child who wants to be in bed is being kept up late by its caregiver and is expressing her/himself loudly to this effect, in an age-appropriate manner
Got to totally disagree with you there. Children have as much right to be in that restaurant as adults do. See this post and comments for more on that.
By: Anji on Monday 23rd November 2009
at 11:56am
@Anji:
I agree with you that the child has as much right to be there as adults do.
However, in the example Vinaigrette Girl gave that you quoted, the child doesn’t really want to be there! I think that parents have a responsibility to respect their child’s limits and needs too when deciding where to take them.
By: Annie @ PhD in Parenting on Monday 23rd November 2009
at 7:49pm
The way I read it was that Vinaigrette Girl was making the assumption that the child wanted to be in bed based on his or her behaviour – which could just as easily be simple excitement or grumpiness for an unrelated reason. I agree that the parents should ask the child what he or she wants, but not that we should project our own reasoning for the behaviour onto the child and decide what is best for that child from the outside.
By: Anji on Monday 23rd November 2009
at 8:33pm
I have to agree with Vinaigrette Girl on the restaurant comment. I have chldren who (mostly) go to bed at an appropriate time for their age. If I was able to have a night out then the last thing I would want to experience is a tired child expressing itself.
And tbh, asking a child if s/he wants to stay up late tonight, and by consequence become overtired and stressed isn’t what parenting is all about.
By: earwicga on Wednesday 25th November 2009
at 9:17pm
“decide what is best for that child from the outside.”
One of the hardest things to get right, but it is a very important part of parenting. It’s not done in a vacuum, but with a knowledge of your child – it’s likes/dislikes etc.
By: earwicga on Wednesday 25th November 2009
at 9:18pm
You said you were interested in other privilege checklists:
http://aspergersquare8.blogspot.com/2009/08/checklist-of-neurotypical-privilege-new.html
Interesting article!
By: Cereus Sphinx on Tuesday 1st December 2009
at 4:21pm
Thanks Cereus, I’m adding it now.
By: Anji on Friday 4th December 2009
at 6:32pm
That’s *glorious,* and I find myself wanting to add to it.
18 b. I am almost never permitted to choose my educational curriculum, materials, or pace.
c. My educational evaluations will often be based on circumstances entirely outside my control–the actions of other students, or of my caregivers, or the learning materials available to me.
23 a. If my sexuality is not cis and straight, I can expect to be told it’s “wrong,” and efforts will be made to change it. Use of force is considered acceptable in this situation.
b. It is considered unacceptable for me to enjoy my sexuality.
24. If I am in public unescorted by an adult, random adults may demand to escort me, and restrict my movements; this is considered acceptable, regardless of my own opinions or those of my legal caregiver.
25. I am limited in what movies I may see alone, regardless of my opinions or those of my caregiver.
(The “religion” point is such a huge can of worms I’m trying not to think about it too closely.)
By: elfwreck on Friday 11th December 2009
at 3:08pm
I really do not see the responsibilities that adults have to protect children being our “privilege” over them. I don’t see how anyone can even make that comparison.
The privilege checklists are designed to make us aware of the inherent societal problems that exist in being born a certain race/sex/etc. But we are ALL born children, and we ALL share the dependency of childhood for at least some years, and many of the things on this list could apply to a person of any age (for example, being looked down on for eating with your mouth open.) I do not find it “problematic” that children are not financially independent. How in the world could we ever expect to change most of these things? In what world could a child be expected to take care of themselves? THAT would be considered child abuse. Actually, the legal definition is “neglect.” I’ll give it to you on the light switches, etc, but I don’t want 6 yr olds voting. Do you? Really?
I get that there are some commenters in the crunchy crowd who think that children should never be given any direction, guidance, or discipline, but I am certainly not one of those people. I think it’s my responsibility to take care of my child’s financial needs, to vote with them in mind until they reach legal voting age. I do not agree that it is my responsibility as a feminist to tell my kids they don’t have to go to school if they don’t want, or they can be ignorant to other people if they want, or they should swear in public spaces if they want to. It’s my job to raise these kids up to be loving, confident, respectful people.
By: TheFeministBreeder on Thursday 31st December 2009
at 2:28am
I couldn’t even finish reading this. I am in disagreement with a lot of what has been stated. I am my child’s caretaker and I will make sure that my child is taught to respect him/herself as well as those out in society. I think coddling a child and giving them the types of choices you are suggesting is too confusing and adult for a child. They do need to be dependent on us. Do I feel that because of this I think a child should be abused? No. And just because I discipline my child doesn’t mean he/she is abused. I find most feminism flips over the thin line between abuse and discipline whenever it suits their needs.
I do feel a child deserves respect, as my child is taught to respect me. While I can be a friend, first and foremost I am the parent and regardless of how my child feels if my answer is “because I say so” than my child will accept that answer as is because I am ultimately the parent who has sacrificed much being a parent to ensure they grow up to be outstanding and productive adults in our society. There is more, but I’m not about to make a counter list to yours. Kudos for going through all that work to make the list though.
By: Amanda on Thursday 31st December 2009
at 2:33am
“I do feel a child deserves respect, as my child is taught to respect me”
Are you joking? If we deserve respect it is because we have earnt it. Not because we teach/tell a child to respect their parent/s.
@TheFeministBreeder – young people experience some of the worst discrimination that one can in our society. A list which describes how that is played out is always welcome. I think it is my job to raise my children to become the sort of adults they wish to be, to give them opportunities that they can take up if they feel so inclined, and to forget if they aren’t interested. And I don’t give a shit if my children swear, every other fucker does. I do care however, that they understand what the actual words mean, and what people like you will think of them if they chose to “swear in public places”. Words are only words – it is us that gives positive or negative power to them.
By: earwicga on Saturday 2nd January 2010
at 12:56am
@earwicga – you say “Words are only words – it is us that gives positive or negative power to them.”
So do you think it’s okay if your children calls somebody a “nigger”? I mean, after all, words are only words, right? What if your child decides to give that word a “different meaning?” – then it’s okay for them to use it? You don’t see that there are appropriate words for situations, some words are never appropriate, or are at least not appropriate for a child to use?
I, personally, do give a fuck if my 3 yr old swears at pre-school, which he once did, and nearly got kicked out for it. My child has to function in the rest of society, whether I like it or not. What kind of a mother will my child think I am if I care more about letting him do whatever he wants at 3 yrs old than keeping him in school? He’d probably think I’m a shit mother – just like I think of my mother who really didn’t give a crap about how I turned out. BTW, I haven’t spoken to that woman in almost all of my adult life.
By: TheFeministBreeder on Monday 4th January 2010
at 8:16am
I’ll give you that one! My children are white and I can not see that it would ever be appropriate for them to use the word ‘nigger’, so thanks for pointing that out. Also, at age 3 I wouldn’t have been happy if my children went round swearing. But my boys are now nearly 8 and it is a whole different kettle of fish. My mother used to wash out our mouths with soap if we swore, which did nothing to stop us using words we didn’t understand.
Tbh, my reply was a little overly strident. You don’t see the point of this checklist and feel it doesn’t exist within the role of responsible parent (correct me if I have interpreted you incorrectly). I see it is inherently part of my responsibility as a parent that I recognise where inequality exists in their life. I don’t think my children should have an automatic deference to adults as to me that is one of the fundamental positions which allows abuse.
By: earwicga on Saturday 9th January 2010
at 5:07pm
fwiw – I’m in full agreement (and also delighted to see you blogging again!).
By: antiprincess on Wednesday 20th January 2010
at 11:44pm
Thanks, I’m glad to be blogging again too. I’m not writing nearly as much as I’d like to though, it seems like the inspiration fairy has dumped me.
By: Anji on Wednesday 20th January 2010
at 11:47pm
AFAIK this hasn’t been mentioned:
(applies to teenagers mostly)
25. It is considered acceptable or even “prudent” for me to be discriminated against and regarded with suspicion when patronizing a store or other establishment
25a. It is often considered acceptable to force me to submit my belongings to a search before/after/during my visit to a store or other establishment
By: octel on Sunday 24th January 2010
at 3:04am
along with not being able to vote, children cannot open bank accounts or apply for many things that require filling out legal documents without a caregivers signature. If you can get a job before you are 18 you should be able to open a bank account.
By: mana on Monday 8th February 2010
at 5:01am
Too right mana. Additionally the interest rates on children’s savings accounts are woeful in comparison to adult savings accounts. (I know all interest rates are low at the moment, but children’s accounts have always had a rubbish rate).
By: earwicga on Wednesday 17th February 2010
at 12:40pm
Very thought provoking list, thank you, noticed some of my own behaviours there!
Just wanted to say – I’m in Australia and my children’s bank accounts get better interest than mine! And they get charged no fees, ever. And if I chose, I could open them any of the adult accounts available anyway. We’re with a small credit union though, I have no idea what the actual banks are like here, I won’t have anything to do with any of them!
By: nik-nee on Tuesday 30th March 2010
at 10:16pm
[...] and criticize their instructors that I didn’t have when I was a child. Part of the trouble with being a child is that you regularly encounter the assumption that disputes with adults are always your fault and [...]
By: cry me a river « Wreckage Found Floating on Monday 22nd March 2010
at 7:11pm
wtf is this.
children should not be treated as adults. their brains are not fully developed, and they physically cannot make the kind of informed decisions you seem to think necessary. you get that? they are *physically incapable* of it. i don’t care how special your snowflake is; it’s the truth.
it’s really a no-brainer. that is why children are classified as minors.
i don’t understand why this is so difficult to comprehend.
By: wut on Friday 21st May 2010
at 11:04am
Awesome list!
(Came here via the abominable Feministe thread)
Since disability is such a complex subject:
Sighted Privilege Checklist
The Normal Auditory Processing Privilege Checklist
And here’s another Thin Privilege Checklist
And here is Unpacking the knapsack of able privilege.
(Your link to the non-disabled privilege checklist doesn’t seem to work…)
By: Kowalski on Sunday 30th May 2010
at 2:10pm
I have to really disagree with this list. Children are not children forever. A child has a period allowed to learn how to function as an adult, and until then are sheltered by the parent. As I child I would never be able to hop out of my mom set as a totally comprehending and functional adult.
A parents role is to be the peer and gaurdian to allow the child to do this. The parent teaches the child to communicate their needs and eventually fulfill them.
A child doesn’t understand what child labour is. However we as adults do. We understand how a child can be taken advantage of and set laws to protect them. A child has to develop the ability to handle the responsibility of a bank account. How about children and sex? If we want to view them as their own persons we should allow them to experiment as soon and freely as they want. But we don’t. We know that children are vulnerable to predators and set laws to protect them. If you want it your way a child should be able to smoke, vote, have sex, and drink from birth. Which is ludicrous. We set laws to protect them.
We also work harder to protect them. A child will recieve priority attention over an adult because we recognize their vulnerability developmentally. However if that child is a minority child or white child may cause a prejudicial difference in that aid. A baby will recieve priority over a handicap person. We have pyschologists and scientists dedicated to the health of children
And this is also why we hold parents to a higher standard, because making decisions to help that child are a big responsibility. A parent tries to determine the best schools, teach good behavioral habits, ect. And everyone is going to have a different way to do that. The only way to give children the world you want is to release them all into the woods to be raised by sheer luck as wild children.
Mistakes are made, not every parent is perfect, and children can and are abused. But to call them on the same level as minorities, the disabled, and other persecuted groups is a slap in the face. Children grow older and become adults that then care for the next generation. Blacks can grow white, lost limbs/nerves don’t magically regenerate, and they will still be persecuted.
By: kat on Saturday 3rd July 2010
at 2:28am
Comment edited for personal insult and ableist language, alongside disregard for children’s rights. It’s like Comment Policy breaking bingo, right here.
By: Sharky on Saturday 3rd July 2010
at 9:49am
Lovely to meet you, Sharky. I can assure you that you won’t be commenting here again.
By: Anji on Saturday 3rd July 2010
at 8:40pm
Most of these apply to adults as well. How many adults have free choice of language at work? How many women do not earn as much as men? How many disabled people find buildings aren’t set up for them? How many people routinely find that they are harassed, annoyed, touched, etc. by other adults and nothing is done about it? How many minorities are discriminated against and painted in a negative light? How many people have their mental illness dismissed, ignored, or ridiculed?
Nice try, but what you just described is the HUMAN condition, not problems exclusive to childhood.
By: Katia on Saturday 3rd July 2010
at 6:10pm
You could equally say that because black people have trouble gaining employment, women’s trouble gaining employment is null and void and not an oppression. Just because the ways in which one group is oppressed intersect with the ways in which another group is oppressed does not make the oppression any less real.
By: Anji on Saturday 3rd July 2010
at 8:42pm
Anji,
Thank you so much for putting this together. It is spot-on. Those who would argue about it are merely, deep-down, fearful – too fearful to even consider the points from a child’s perspective. This is how dehumanized children have become to some people. I fear as long as you write these brave truths you’ll hear a lot of argument, because out culture is BUILT in part on oppressing children.
As Twisty Faster says at I Blame The Patriarchy:
“Kids” are a class of people around the discrimination, domination, indoctrination, and abuse of whom entire cultures, industries, pathologies, and oppressive social systems flourish. Youth is temporary for the individual, yes, but a youth class persists; there is a constant supply of replacement children to keep this class well-stocked with hapless victims. Furthermore, the damage inflicted by expertly administered adult oppression techniques hardly vanishes the moment a kid turns 18.
I am proud to say my partner and I are working at dismantling many of the unfair oppressions our children (and other children) are subjected to. We are still our kids’ caretakers and still take very seriously their upbringing and “socialization” (as everyone likes to call it) and physical, emotional, and mental safety. Our family has benefitted so much from reading authors who believe that kids are people deserving of respect. I just wish there were more of these authors!
So, thank you.
Thank you.
By: Kelly on Sunday 4th July 2010
at 7:18am
Well, I personally am grateful to my own parents for looking out for me until I was old enough to look out for myself. Neuroscience has shown that the frontal lobe (responsible for good decision-making) does not fully mature until around age 20. Until that kicks in, therefore, I will be using the “adult privilege” to protect my kids from themselves.
By: Crimson Wife on Monday 5th July 2010
at 9:55pm
There’s more than enough people in society who feel that children belong everywhere and anywhere, and should be able to make as much noise as they want, and run around where ever they please, knocking things over as they go.
I’m tired of the tyranny of parents towards non parents, now we’re having to hear about the rights children don’t have. Children have plenty of rights, considered back when parents just knew to not bring their screaming child to a restaurant.
If anything adults without children have their rights diminished, by parents. Tell a parent to please see their child behaves, “My child ALWAYS behaves!” will be the answer you receive. Ask them to please try to quiet down their child, you’ll get a tirade about how you don’t know how hard it is being a parent, or you weren’t around all the other times they quieted their child as if accounting for all the other previous “gold star” moments they had with their child makes up for the reality their child is now screaming.
Or that adults without children can rarely find refuge from parents and their kids, without either choosing to stay at home. Or going to a place like a bar, where adults are put at risk by people who may get drunk and violent.
So please, tell me again how children suffer in an environment where they get to choose where to eat, where mommy and daddy can decide McDonald’s isn’t good enough for their baby, and they have the right to bring them to a restaurant and let them bother other customers.
Explain to me, how allowing children to yell and carry on, is not a child privelage. Adults can’t yell without being seen as a disturbance. So aren’t then children privelaged in the sense that they can carry on. Would you suggest adults without children show their disagreement with the child’s privelage at being able to make noise, by making noise in return?
Perhaps it’s unfair the ENTIRE WORLD isn’t revolving around teaching little children, about medical information, and approaching them like they’re little adults. I’m sure you think it would be better, a child is frightened by hearing medical information that may be too complex for them to understand at their age, then them simply getting a lollipop because children aren’t privelaged to know about their medical history. I’m sure you’d find a child crying over having a cold that could possibly turn into pnumonia, a sign that things are going right in this world.
By: Jackie on Tuesday 6th July 2010
at 8:06am
Jackie – the correct spelling is ‘privilege’. You really should know this considering it is something you have in abundance.
By: earwicga on Wednesday 7th July 2010
at 7:58pm
Jackie,
Perhaps you’d like to be reminded that you were once a child and had the same moments which you describe with such loathing. How did your mother deal with it? I’m willing to bet that there were times when your mother was just as frazzled and tired as the parents sitting at the table across from you in the restaurant. And inside they’re thinking: “Please don’t make a scene. Please just sit down and eat your green beans.” (or something similar).
Don’t for a moment think that just because my child has a moment where s/he behaves in a manner that you find inappropriate (and which is completely age-appropriate) that I am oblivious to your discomfort at seeing this behavior. You, however, are completely oblivious to the fact that I am painfully aware of your desire to say something nasty or worse, create an even bigger scene by confronting me AND my child.
That makes ME uncomfortable. So I should have to be constantly on edge, unable to enjoy my meal because I’m waiting for the potential problem that may arise from my child not liking her meal (she has that right, as do you), or being excited about being out in a place he’s never been before and spilling his drink, or being cranky because she’s hungry and the kitchen is taking a long time to get the food out (also your right) and the waitperson didn’t ask them to rush her order so she could start eating sooner?
What about the rude restaurant patron across the room who is complaining loudly that his steak is undercooked? Does he have the right to be in the restaurant or not? If he does, then so does my child. If my kids’ behavior bothers you, then so should his, particularly since he’s an adult and should know better, right?
And while I’m thinking about it, what about the issue of moms being able to nurse their babies in restaurants? Are you, like the infamous Kim Kardashian, ‘grossed out’ by women who go to restaurants with their kids and nurse them at the table? They have as much a right to eat as anyone else. If this doesn’t bother you then children being children in a restaurant shouldn’t bother you.
As for taking them to McDonald’s – if I’m going to eat out, I don’t want to eat at McDonald’s. Do you honestly want a salad from McDonald’s over a salad at someplace nicer? I have a right to eat somewhere that has healthier fare and as a parent I have the obligation to feed my children healthy food. You, as someone without children, do not have the right to deny me that.
Finally, if you don’t know the situation you really can’t judge it. What if there’s nothing a parent can do about a child’s behavior? Some kids have medical conditions which cause the behaviors you speak of and which cannot be controlled by medication or other means. ADHD. Tourette syndrome. Autism. The list goes on. If you’re healthy, I’m really glad for you. However for a parent whose child has a condition that makes him have verbal explosions (as with Tourette syndrome and sometimes Asperger’s) it is completely ridiculous to expect that they would keep him at home and never go out for a meal, simply because it might disturb other diners. That would be discriminating because Tourette syndrome is recognized as a disability.
Given this one example (and I can think of many others) your reasoning really falls apart. You don’t want to hear it, that much is clear from your first paragraph. But I’m here to tell you that there is always much more to the situation than is evident at your cursory glance.
By: Jen R on Thursday 8th July 2010
at 5:21pm
[...] love to talk about the Adult Privilege Checklist and soon because I think it is brilliant (Thanks, Anji!) and challenging to many if not most [...]
By: inter-netz asshattery roundup « Kelly Hogaboom on Thursday 8th July 2010
at 6:42am
While I agree with much of the list, I have to say that #5a is a bit over the top in its wording and needs an age qualifier. Yep, my kids are dependent on me and my husband financially. But that’s because they are 1, 3, and 9. I don’t know that this will be the same when they are older.
My first job was when I was 12 (babysitting) and my first real job which required me to pay income tax was delivering newspapers when I was 13 or so. My money was my own to do with what I chose. My parents felt it was their job to provide clothing for us but we each got $100 (or something close to it) and were allowed to spend it as we wanted on clothing. When I was 17 and worked in a department store, I wanted colored contact lenses. I already wore contacts. My parents paid for the cost of regular lenses and I had to make up the amount that was extra to get the colored ones. I will probably have a similar practice with my own children when they are old enough to work, because I think it’s important to learn how to use money (wisely or otherwise).
As far as decisions about finances, my kids are not really up to understanding why things have to be paid. Even my oldest doesn’t really understand why we don’t have the money to do certain things. I think this is partly because children see adults using ATMs and, as they often interpret things literally, they think that all you have to do is stick a card in a machine and it will give you money. They don’t see the link between having enough money in your account and the money coming out of the machine. Clearly that’s something I need to work on in my family but I think it’s something that is widespread.
Anyway, I think #5 (both parts) requires a qualifier that children who ARE capable of comprehending financial decisions of a family aren’t consulted and that they should be allowed to earn money at an appropriate age if they have the desire. Obviously I don’t think you’re advocating child labor, though perhaps some people have misinterpreted this. I also don’t think that you expect a 2 year-old to understand how a mortgage works and realize that there isn’t money to put a swimming pool in the garden.
Also, I’m confused about #8. Exactly what does this mean? “In public” is a really broad term. Do you mean speaking to a group in a formal setting (giving a speech, for example) or do you mean speaking to anyone outside of one’s family in a location other than one’s home?
I interpreted this as speaking to anyone other than family and I feel that saying that it puts everyone in the speaker’s age group on trial is really over the top and implies that everyone everywhere views everything that children say in a negative light. Imho that’s really over the top and presumptuous. I don’t know any adults that hear what a child says and use it as an indicator of how all children that age speak or how all children that age think. Most people I know deal with the here and now, and what they hear from kids regarding the present situation, not how it applies to all children unless that is the speaker’s specific goal.
By: Jen R on Thursday 8th July 2010
at 5:50pm
Thanks for championing for the rights of children. I like your thoughts on politics, too. I’ve subscribed and will be reading more.
I tweeted and linked to this post on my unschooling blog.
By: Cheryl on Friday 9th July 2010
at 4:10pm
[...] written by Anji of Shut Up, Sit Down, really, really spells out how insanely hostile it truly is. Give this a read, paying special attention to the things that make you react badly, and see how privileged you are. [...]
By: ElementalMom » Adult Privilege on Saturday 10th July 2010
at 9:11pm
I love this list. Thanks for writing it and taking the time to answer so many snarky comments.
Parents who think they have no choice but to overly restrict their children’s lives make me sad. I know that it is typically done out of love and out of never knowing any different model, but it’s such a shame that they have this attitude.
Are some protections and differences necessary? Yes, in most cases. Are all of these? No, most of them are random and ageist.
I would also add sports and hobbies to this list, BTW. I know so many children who are teased and miserable in sports like Little League but their parents will not let them quit, for instance, or who are forced to learn instruments they don’t like or take up hobbies they have no interest in, with no ability at all to take classes for those they wish.
Some of my favorite children in the universe are unschooled children who have been reared with very few limitations and basic empowerment over most of their own lives. I have simply met too many of them who are MORE delightful to be around than usual (even as teenagers!) to shrug it off as coincidence. Some of them have not been, but that can be said of many children who were raised with rigidity and force too.
Thanks for challenging me to question some of my parenting assumptions.
By: Alicia on Saturday 10th July 2010
at 10:46pm
Many thanks for putting together this list. We link to the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child at our school’s website – I added a line before that directing people to this blog entry. (http://freedom-hill.org/RightsoftheChild.aspx) Hoping to get people to think!
All the best. If you come to Maryland, please contact us about a visit!
Elaine
By: Elaine on Sunday 11th July 2010
at 3:16am
I read through this list with as open a mind as I could have at this point in my life. I see an issue that is fraught with contention, mostly because of the term “privilege” (at least in my opinion).
To me, a privilege is something that is earned through the learning process, through experience, through the assistance of others…and “almost always” comes with extra responsibility.
If anything, I guess the real issue I have with this list is that it makes very broad statements about several different levels of “child”. I do not think that anyone here would question the need to consider the age of a child before suggesting that lightswitches were mis-placed, or before choosing clothing (what is appropriate for the infant is not appropriate for the teens and tweens), etc.
And please keep in mind that there REALLY is another side. The societal standards that make it unacceptable for a child to dance in a restaurant and yell and scream also make it in appropriate for the adults. Does it always make sense? The adult who is delighted by good news and gives a whoop of joy is often looked on askance as well. Likewise the “rude” person (who perhaps has been looking forward ALL day to a very special dinner with a VERY special person on a very special day only to find something VERY WRONG with the food) who feels ignored and brushed off by the management…
There are movies made about adults who “act child-like”. You know where those usually end up? COMEDY– because most adults who allow themselves the delight a child is privileged (and often expected) to show in the world is is considered aberrant. On rare occasions these movies become inspirations for people to change things too. That’s the good side.
The list is true to an extent, but then all general lists are true. They are also false. And they are often one sided. The privileges the child gains by becoming an adult are often matched by an equal number of privileges that the adult has lost by no longer becoming a child.
So yes, I do think it is a great list. But I wonder if it is less about how much better adults have things over children than how each stage of life has its perks and detriments. Because you could take the whole list and apply it to a lot of senior citizens too. =(
By: Eden on Sunday 11th July 2010
at 6:03pm
“There are movies made about adults who “act child-like”. You know where those usually end up? COMEDY– because most adults who allow themselves the delight a child is privileged (and often expected) to show in the world is is considered aberrant.”
Your argument makes no sense.
Children who act their age aren’t privileged they’re considered neurotypical, whereas adults who act childlike are considered developmentally disabled. There’s stigma attached to being disabled, that’s why it’s frowned upon.
It’s disablism, not loss of child privilege.
By: Kowalski on Tuesday 13th July 2010
at 9:39pm
[...] Kelly Hogaboom describes the “inter-netz asshattery” she’s encountered recently and introduced me to the Adult Privilege Checklist. [...]
By: Soapbox Sunday: The Premiere « Navelgazing on Monday 12th July 2010
at 12:29am
Not sure if this was already mentioned but:
(from a perspective of a baby)
I am often refused the basic necessities needed to become healthy, happy and well adjusted without regard for my being.
I am speaking here of the things like crying-it-out, being left to sleep separately from a mother at newborn, being forced formula, being left, often for extended periods of time, away from human bodies in carseats or strollers.
I feel like babies are so oppressed, as they are unable to express other than through crying which is seen as a nuissance and not as a means of communication. and the caretakers choices, to put their children in situations which have been shown to be destructive, either emotionally, physically, spiritually or mentally is considered to be “OK” because the parents have made the choice.
By: meme on Wednesday 14th July 2010
at 3:13am
My husband and I had read this post prior to a multi-family outing and I was struck by the language difference in the way adults speak to adults and adults speak to children.
For example- my son was terrified of trying the slide, but he clearly wanted to try. We were letting him take it at his own pace, which involved lots of going to the top, then changing his mind. At one point, another parent was holding at the end of the slide and looking at me (he had his hand on his back in position to shove him off the end of the slide) and said, “Well, it’s up to your mom.”
I replied, “no, really, it’s completely up to him. He’ll know when he’s ready to give it a try.” and another friend helped him down.
By the end of our outing, everyone was sliding with abandon- some just needed a little more freedom to explore it first.
By: Amy on Thursday 15th July 2010
at 5:45pm
If, in my early years, I am fed what I am supposed to eat, and what is physiologically the perfect food for me, many people expect me to eat in a public toilet, or to never eat my perfect food outside my home, even though I might get hungry again just half an hour after I have eaten. The solution to this “problem” that is often offered is to give me substandard food that can cause a host of health problems later in life.
By: Lara on Friday 16th July 2010
at 3:46am
I almost feel as if this HAS to be satire. Do you even notice the inconsistencies presented here? I.e., a child deserves to be able to vote and/or support him or herself economically, but also shouldn’t be held accountable for basic manners in public? … Please tell me this is a parody.
By: Sally on Saturday 17th July 2010
at 6:35am
A couple of thoughts. I think that some of the objections to some of the list comes from there being no age indicators for specific privileges. Perhaps they could be grouped by age or developmental stage, e.g. When I am an Infant..Toddler, Child, Pre-Teen, Teen-Ager or something to that effect.
Also I was surprised that no one mentioned genital alteration, which in the US is usually male circumcision and surgery on children with “ambiguous” genitalia to assign them to their “proper” gender. It could be worded like:
Shortly after birth my caregiver may decide to have my genitals permanently, irrevocably altered through surgery.
If I am a boy this surgery may be the removal of the foreskin of my penis.
If I am labeled as having ambiguous genitals, a surgeon and my caregiver may assign a sex to me and surgically alter my genitals to conform to that sex.
Since female genital cutting is not legal here I didn’t include it. Perhaps should be there despite the prohibition.
Also caregivers can permanently modify a child’s body through ear piercing; more common with girls but increasingly with boys, too.
Oh, I just thought of something else:
I can be forced to hug and kiss people in my family even if I do not want to be touched. That one is close to my heart. I was a child that didn’t like to be touched, moreso if I didn’t know the person well.
Please feel free to use,edit, or modify any of this as you see fit. Thanks for doing this.
By: Sash on Sunday 18th July 2010
at 5:59pm
[...] sure you’ve all heard of white privilege and male privilege before. But have you heard of adult privilege? Children are, generally, an oppressed group. They are not treated as equal human beings and are [...]
By: Adult privilege is exacerbated when children are a minority | PhD in Parenting on Saturday 24th July 2010
at 10:26pm
[...] The Adult Privilege Check list at Shut Up Sit Down is a very thought provoking read in deed… not sure my brain is up for such deep thinking at present but I can’t stop pondering this. [...]
By: A Few Good Links... | picklebums.com on Friday 30th July 2010
at 12:21pm
[...] just seem like someone’s parody of what they think terrible hippie parenting is like. This “adult privilege checklist”. The author makes some valid points – children are vulnerable to physical and emotional abuse [...]
By: ageism, one more time « Order of the Gash on Friday 30th July 2010
at 4:32pm
[...] privilege: this was one I only came across today, via a privilege checklist by Anji from Shut Up, Sit Down. To be honest, I don’t possess all that much adult privilege [...]
By: Ways in Which I’m Privileged « Astrid's Journal on Wednesday 4th August 2010
at 5:57pm
[...] Adult privileges list [...]
By: Understanding Privilege « Social Problems on Friday 27th August 2010
at 7:50pm